"If Hell is a Teenage Girl, Then Heaven is a Woman"

Many thoughts on age, being cool, trinkets and Hello Kitty.

Much like many of us, I spent my teenage years desperately trying to look, feel and act as old as possible. I wore make-up, dyed my hair as soon as my mum would let me, got my nose pierced at 16 and even got my first tattoo at 17 thanks to my fake ID. Whatever age I was, I spent most of my time idolising the girls who were just a few years older than me, thinking they were so grown up and impossibly, effortlessly cool. I remember seeing a girl on my bus home wearing a matte bubblegum pink lipstick (very similar to the one on almost every model at Sandy Liang’s SS25 show) and asking her how she got away with it at school. She shrugged and replied “They just don’t say anything”, and I longed to be old enough for the strict uniform rules to somehow not apply to me anymore.

While I wandered around Topshop with my grandma most weekends I was in awe of everyone who worked there, thinking there was no way I would ever be or look like them. They were so well-dressed and mature, and they actually had jobs…which was something my brain couldn’t comprehend at the time. Context - this was in the iconic Tumblr era of Topshop, we’re talking GEEK t-shirt’s, frilly socks and joni jeans. Back then the UK high street was at it’s peak and Topshop really was the place to be. It’s funny to think back to my younger self in those moments because I actually got a job at Topshop just a few years later and I stayed there on and off for the next 5 years. I worked in my hometown store, then two different locations in Manchester and even transferred to Brighton briefly when I moved down here. So really, Topshop saw me through the many ups and downs of teenage life.

Besides trying to look and dress older, I also behaved in ways that surprise me to this day. I thought it was cool to text, kiss and do god knows what else with boys who were way older than me, not realising until years later that their behaviour was simply predatory. I smoked and drank in fields till the early hours and lied about where I was to my mum so she wouldn’t worry. Obviously I now know she isn’t stupid and could see straight through me. I know that most of us did at least some of these things but I still find it cringeworthy to think back on, at the time I felt so old but was I literally still a baby. When I see 14, 15 or even 16 year old girls in the street they look and seem so young, and I (at only 26) find myself worrying about them and everything they’re going through.

Because of all the time we spent trying to act like twenty something year olds, we didn’t get to actually enjoy the things that are designed to bring teenagers joy. Those things were often seen as uncool, and you’d never admit to liking them through fear of being picked on or exiled from your friends. But now, I’m finding myself being drawn back to everything I previously shunned away from. I spent an afternoon wandering Koreatown Plaza in LA and came home with a bag full of Hello Kitty, Miffy and Sonny Angel trinkets. While laying everything out to take a picture for my Instagram story, I realised that this didn’t look like the haul of someone who’s turning 27 next year, it looked like a small child had begged her mum to buy her everything she wanted in Claire’s.

I thought by the time I was 26 I’d be working a very serious job, probably be married, own a house and even have a child (which is weird because I’ve always known I didn’t want kids). In my head that’s just what people over the age of 25 did, they were proper grown ups and everybody followed the same set path in life. Now I’ve actually reached that milestone, I haven’t “achieved” any of those four expectations I had for myself. I love my job but it’s mostly very calm and wholesome, so I wouldn’t put it into the very serious category (I’d save that for the many people I know who’s jobs are stressful and soul destroying). I’m not married, but recently engaged so almost there, and currently have absolutely no desire to buy a house or have a child. Instead, I am spending my days being overly excited whenever it reaches 12pm and I need to blot my shiny nose, because it means I get to use my new matcha infused Hello Kitty blotting papers (which conveniently live inside their own HK shaped compact mirror).

After my holiday trinket haul, I realised that my life, style and belongings have never been so cutesy and silly. I love wearing mary jane’s with white socks, I hang plushies from every bag I own and I bought a tacky Las Vegas baby tee covered in Sanrio characters without giving it a second thought. My bedding is pink and I have white lace curtains hanging from the doors leading into my bedroom, I pile colourful magazines on every surface and have Miffy magnets holding up polaroids or soppy notes on my fridge. This wasn’t at all how teenage me would’ve envisioned my late twenties, but it feels so good to unapologetically love cute things without feeling embarrassed.

Through having this realisation, I think my brain has finally accepted that there isn’t such thing as being cool or uncool, because you can’t be anything but yourself. When you’re younger and you see someone embracing something “different”, your instant reaction is to label it as weird or to make fun of them, simply because it’s not what you’re used to. Even in the present day we get so influenced by trends and things being immediately seen as uncool when the initial buzz is over, that we quickly discard items to the back of our wardrobes to never be seen again. I’m admittedly very guilty of this, but currently working on condensing my wardrobe based on what actually feels like me and not who my brain thinks i’m “supposed” to be at this age.

I know I’m not alone in these feelings, as much as I was just talking shit on trends, the recent popularity of trinkets and all things cute has led to so many of us embracing these wholesome things typically ‘designed for children’. As women we’ve spent our whole lives being shamed for enjoying things, we’ve had our favourite reality TV show’s described as stupid or been told liking clothes isn’t a valid interest compared to something ‘serious’ like sports. Finally, it feels like we’re just unashamedly enjoying whatever makes us happy and not letting those misogynistic comments affect us anymore.

What I’m really trying to say is - I’m trying not to take my twenties too seriously in order to heal my teenage self. I hope in some way, she’d think I was as cool as the girl on the bus. (Note to self - try out pink bubblegum lipstick)